asher's gift

i recently decided to start blogging again
and looking through my posts,
i discovered these words
written february 10th, 2008
still waiting in drafts
to be posted.
so i am posting them today
on his 13th birthday.



every once in a while
my oldest grandbaby, three and a half,

spends the night at nonnie and papa's house.

when he does, it goes something like this.....

asher and nonnie go to bed and lay there having conversations about dinosaurs (especially t-rex) and mountains......cars, rocks, bugs, his little sister, mommy, daddy, so many "aMinals" and whatever his flashlight might shine on or conjure up in his mind of make believe.....

and eventually we fall asleep.

sometime in the night asher is suddenly stirring

and i am in tune with any movement that his little body makes.....

i wake from sleep to see his little eyes focused squarely on me...

immediately, a huge smile begins to spread across his sleep kissed face....

like he was just given his favorite toy.....

he snuggles in closer and reaches for my ear.....

the smile still lingering on his little angel face, he drifts back to sleep.

my heart swells

i.am.loved.

living........at 64

"Don't regret getting older 

it is a privilege denied many"

i am turning 64 soon.

I've had trouble remembering if it is 64 or 65.

but it's 64.

"will you still need me, will you still feed me, when i'm 64....

that kind of 64."

and i'm good with that.

Bryan and I were on a walk the other day,
 and started talking....
and out of this conversation came this statement: 
 "We made a lot of hard, adventurous decisions". 
 And it is so true.
  Sometimes we just live day to day,
 and forget what courage it took
 for us to make certain decisions in our life,
 that lead to different paths on this journey.....
that made us who we are today...
and lead us to this place!

i am living.

when i was little

i'm not sure how i lived.

i have recollection of lots of time

with my imagination in full bloom.

and i was happy.

in my preteens and teens

i have memories of so many great friends,

doing well in school,

and lots of activities and fun times

and i was happy.

i got married at 20

and had 5 children in a span of 7 years

and in all the chaos 

 i was happy.

Bryan and i spent busy days

creating a family and all that means

in every aspect;

and we were happy.

we raised children 

and we were happy.

we became in-laws

and we were happy.

and then we became papa and nonnie

and we were so happy.

life has brought situations that have 

been out of our control

and we have grieved.

we have seen grand-babies born

and rejoiced with each birth.

we have seen struggles

that have helped us grow and learn

and the results have

made us happy.

we are far from having seen it all

but what makes us happy

is living.

i have a wonderful relationship with my daughters

and grands

and that makes me so happy

sometimes

life is overwhelming

chaotic

and

heart breaking.

 that is life.

and we are living it.

so as i soon begin my 64th trip around the sun

i want to: 

watch more sunsets

swim more in the sea

stay in the know with my kids 

and grands

take risks

listen to great music
wear my bathing suit more

overcome fears

take the trip

give anxiety the boot

appreciate each day

be kind, but take no sh*#

exercise

stay aware

have compassion

grow

read

listen
write/journal more

have conversations 
have more conversations with strangers

realize that time is limited
and
moments are happening now

create more

reminisce

travel

be grateful

laugh!

let go

be open

play more

worry less
wear whatever i want

be helpful

and say yes....

yes to more experiences 

with my love

knowing 

growing older

is a privilege

denied to many.

i am so thankful 

for my life

and all i have seen,

and experienced

and been a part of,

it's been amazing.

i could write a book.

heck

maybe i will.

The faint sweet smell of the fields carried for miles.

i was at Trader Joe's a few days ago.

it's my place for flowers.

so i bought a few simple, sweet bouquets

and every day this week, the fragrance from

these flowers

has given me a pause for times before

to one of my favorite memories growing up in Phoenix.

the Japanese Gardens.

we would go for a drive along baseline road 

(we lived close..48th street between McDowell and Van Buren streets)

we would roll the windows down and OH MY......

the fragrance of all the stock was overwhelming to the senses

(in a good way)

and the color was a sight for the eyes.

thankful for moments that take us back in time

to days that were simpler, beautiful and a part of our tapestry.

~a bit of history~

"On Baseline Road and 38th Street there’s a flower shop filled with colorful arrangements. This is not any ordinary shop. It sits on the site of an original Japanese flower garden. It was a Phoenix attraction that caught the attentions of tourists for decades.The flowers like sweet peas, calendulas, and other annuals grown on Baseline Road supplied much of the country.

Throughout the 1960s and ’70s the flower farms were a tourist attraction, 

They were noted for their fragrance and the surprise of color 

in the middle of the brown desert.

 If Arizona brings to mind sand and heat, 

the Japanese flower gardens defied this expectation.

The gardens were located on Baseline Road, 

which initially divided the north and south portions of the city.

 A 16-block stretch, the fields turned the desert into a blanket

 of unexpected bright fuchsia, light yellow, off-white,

 pale pink and violet-lavender.

In spring, driving west along Baseline Road

 from 48th through 32nd Street, you would pass field after field 

of colorful, long-stemmed flowers called stocks;

 kale; sweet peas the color of jelly beans;

 and flowering purple-gray cabbages.

 The faint sweet smell of the fields carried for miles.
  Many today don’t 
know the history of the Japanese-Americans in south Phoenix,
 but every once in a while someone will stop in to reminisce
 and share a memory of the gardens and the farmers
 who turned rocks and dirt into a destination spot.
 In Japanese, we call this feeling natsukashi —“sweet memories.”

Food for Thought

i've seen this question in several variations on Facebook for the past several years......and it always makes me wonder.

 i'm not sure that i am, right now, the woman my little girl self would have wanted to become.  there are aspects of who i am now, that i  would have wanted to be.....the tender hearted me, the one who feels it is better to give than to receive, the one who still is such a mama bear.....only now, it not only includes my children, but my grandchildren as well.   the one who is still a bit of a  wanderlust, hippie, who dances to my own drum...who loves a good song and beat.....and the one who, because of our grands, has grown immensely in understanding that everyone is different......and we all need and require understanding and awareness of those differences.   i am so so thankful for that part of me.....and i think that the little girl i was would love that too. i know she would love the journey i have taken as a mom with our 5 amazing daughters and the soul mate i share life with......and what those experiences have made me through all these years.

 i think there are things that have been a part of my life, at one time, and have faded into the business that we allow to take over.... things i believe the little girl i was, would appreciate the value of....and what adding them again, would bring to who i am. 

things i would like  to add more of:  more time in nature, PLAY MORE, worry less, be adventurous ,be spontaneous, listen more...talk less,  laugh and dance more, be more present, smile more, be less concerned with rules and what is "expected", fear less, breathe more, celebrate every day, slow life down, let go.

i know, that certain circumstances in my/our lives, have made me who i am....and required threads to be woven into this tapestry that might not have been my choice.....however, life happens because ""No person gets to choose what challenges they will face in life. Everyone gets to choose how they will approach those challenges."  So.....i may not be  who the child i once was would have pictured, but i think she would like the person i am.....and the person i am working on becoming.......and that works for me.

thankful for our way of life...way back then.

I had the chance, today, to watch some old "home movies" from way back when......from before our first baby was born....to several years after.  I was so happy to "feel" these moments again....the free spirit i exuded, the "hands-off' mothering i embraced once our first little joined us.....and just the adventurous spirit we lived with.......i love the photography....the barefoot, free, hippie vibe...the acceptance of life back then.....it helps me feel good about those early years as a very young mama.....just 21 .....and so lacking in experience.  life was so good. and i am so thankful for the time in which our children were born....and raised.  we adventured and lived life......and for that i am so very thankful. so good to relive moments that make us who we are today.....to relive the threads that make up our tapestry.

Celebrating Moments

Why must celebrations be relegated to only the birthdays, the weddings, the holiday, or the other red-letter events in a year when every day should have something in it worth celebrating. What makes your heart dance? What makes you catch your breath in a surprising gasp? What is there in life that delights and surprises you? Embrace it! Love it! Celebrate it! We speak of celebrating the ordinary. The commonplace. the humdrum. The moments that tumble one after another that make up hours, then days, then years; the accumulation of moments THAT IS YOUR LIFE. Shouldn't there be something in all those ordinary moments worth celebrating? This is your life I'm speaking of....all of that sacred, splendid ordinariness. Celebrate the astonishing moments that lift your heart. Uncover joy in whatever it is that beautifully colors your seemingly ordinary days. Discover what it is that sets your soul soaring. There is Holiness hidden in the humdrum. Blessings that lurk in the exalted ennui. Find it. Celebrate it. Revel in it. Hallow it. ~words by Jennifer Clawson Farnes.....read from bella GRACE magazine.

 “Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.” ― Mary Jean Irion

 Not any of my words.....but words that speak to my heart.....and spur me on to celebrate.....each....and.....every.....day..... the ordinary....the humdrum...those are the moments, that for the most part make up these lives of ours....this is my goal....to celebrate these days, moments, so
 i end up with a very celebrated life.

some moments from my life recently........

..

 

 

 

how lucky am i???? wow.

sounds of silence

Simon & Garfunkle's classic "The Sounds of Silence" performed by heavy metal band "Disturbed"Goosebump stuff man...WOW!!
Posted by Mark Watson on Friday, December 18, 2015

This showed up on my fb page today.....i can't even tell you how much i loved this....how much it filled my soul. i listened to it, maybe 10 times....and wanted to listen more.....but the day demanded attention to other things. in this life, that is short, hurried, full of too much busy.....it was just a time to listen.....to feel.....and be full.